Me and my minions

       Hello lone reader!  I am sure that after 50 posts involving my children that you are as sick of them as I am.  That being said, I want to offer you a little light reading that actually does not involve my spawn…mostly.  No, this a story of great personal struggle and ultimate triumph.  I am telling you, this is the stuff of which great movies are created.  I am talking about rats…Yes, I know you are already seeing the title of this movie twinkling on the marquee outside your local theater.  “Rats, the Musical”…or “Rats, it’s What’s for Dinner”…or “Debbie Does Rats”…(I am particularly fond of the latter.)  Ahh, I can almost taste the showbiz life now, and as they say in the biz, the show must go on…

Fade In on a 1974 ranch home in Suburbia, USA:  Enter the Generic family, our main characters.  The Generics  have come down with a serious case of new home fever, or technically house envy.  Some friends of theirs have recently built a gorgeous home in Stepfordville, and before they have time to think twice, the Generic  house is up for sale.  Naturally, in a terrible real estate market, their home sells in 4 days.  The Generics are left wondering,  “What the hell have we just done?”.  Regardless, their house is sold and they embark on building a home near their great friends.  Gotta keep up with the Joneses, right?

(Que first person narration)

“As we are preparing the “old” house for inspections and whatnot, we come to the realization that we have a critter or some such that has taken up residence in our garage.  No big deal, right?  This happens all of the time to all manner of folks.  This is where the story takes a slight turn (the plot thickens and the villain is introduced)  The wife comes to the realization that  some form of Rodentia is or has been getting into her vehicle.   At first, I laugh at her naturally and go about my internet porn studies. (There is just so much material to absorb…I feel like I am constantly learning…a porn sponge if you will)  Roughly a week after her initial approach, the wife comes to me again, this time in tears.  She produces forensic evidence of some massive rodent activity…in her car.  Okay, now she has my attention…By the time I get home that evening she has taken matters into her own hands…A quick trip to Home Depot by the wife produces $200 worth of mouse-catching paraphernalia.  (Note to self: Do not let wife EVER go to HD alone…EVER).  We outfit the garage and wife-mobile with more rodent traps than a shady (insert ethnic group here) food restaurant.

In fact, Wifey-poo actually goes on to set mouse traps in her own car…SEVEN traps to be exact.  There are more mouse traps in this car than room for passengers!  You may expect me to tell you that we caught a mouse that very night…but you will, one again, be let down by my underwhelming-ness.  Those effing traps sit in her car for over a week and the only thing that is caught are kids shoes and wife’s handbag collection.  We start to believe that the little critter(s) is long gone and go back to our normal lives mostly (aside from the trap display in her car…that stays with no chance of ever leaving).  Another week passes and we find fresh chocolate drops in Wifey’s car…i.e. rat shit…We know this is rat shit because the shit itself is bigger than a mouse!  These effing turds are so big that I shuttered to think that she had been binge eating chocolate chips during her commute!  We also note that all of the little mouse traps in the garage have been picked clean.  FYI do not buy those little sticky pads that claim to catch rodents.  All we were doing with those sticky pads is providing a plate for that effing rat.  Between the garage and the car, that bastard was living like a Kardashian.  Now it’s serious… Dump mouse traps, upgrade to rat traps: $50 at HD. (Notice that the cost per HD trip goes down significantly when I am involved)

Lil B having bfast w/ his roomates

This rat may have won the first battle, but we are preparing for war.  We were like those lanky blue bastards in Avatar with our harmless spears, but now we have heavy artillery!  We even bought a rat trap that will electrocute the pest!  (After all, we do live in Texas…FRY EM…YEEHAW!)  We place a few traps in Wifey’s car and a few in the garage.  Now properly armed, it does not take long to see some action.  During my routine hourly patrol of the “hot zone”, I check the too-many-to-count garage traps- All Clear.  I make my way to the wife-mobile and check the front seat traps- All Clear.  I move to the rear and see one is untouched and one I can’t see for some reason.  I angle my flashlight around and still do not see the trap anywhere.  WTF…Where is that effing thing?  When I unlock the car and open the back door, I am greeted by a huge white rat that has been executed by our new badass traps.  Take that sky people!  Don’t ever eff with us lanky blue bastards!…

In the face!

Over the next couple of days we manage to execute 8 rats total.  I even got one in the “electric chair” trap!  While no additional rats were ever caught in Wifey’s car, she refused to set foot in that thing ever again other than to drive it straight to the dealership and trade it in.  I hate to think about the poor old lady that bought that ride and the potential stowaway(s) that probably came with it.   As for us, we will eventually get over the war with the rats…eventually…As we pulled our troops out on our last day of occupation in that ranch house I bowed my head to honor those rodents that had given their lives in effort to scavenge from my family.  Who am I kidding…I danced a jig as I thought about the next rat invasion and how I would be long gone from this place…Good luck new owners, you’re gonna need it!…effing rats…

Double Tap Bitches!