Things that I would like to do before I die of natural causes, or am executed…

Places to visit:

Alaska, Vancouver, Hawaii, Europe (not the trendy western europe, I want the eastern bloc, the birth place of communism…although I hear Paris is nice too) Ireland, Scotland, Australia, Tour the Vienna Sausage manufacturing plant (I want free samples!) , A bandit’s hideout, Outer space, Inner- space, Myspace,

Events:

Superbowl, World Series, A major film festival, A taping of Glee (so that I can fulfill one of my other list items of a mass shooting), A Kenny Rogers concert, World Cup Match , A celebrity wedding and subsequent annulment, have legitimate children, Watch a bum fight, Watch a professional fight, win a fight with my spouse

Random:

Wrestle a bear (a small one, maybe a cub), Fight the Karate Kid (preferably Ralph Macchio since he’s getting on up there in age), Sculp a masterpiece…out of meat, perform a surgery (and have the patient live this time), Use a flowbee, exhume a body (preferably a long since dead one because I am not all that into rotting flesh, but I do like me some skeletons), see a ghost, bust a ghost (cause bustin’ makes me feel good!), stop the gulf oil leak (I am thinking a giant butt plug), write a book, write my will, write my grandma, Invent the internet (Damn you Al Gore!), congratulate the producers of The Real Housewives and Jersey Shore for single handedly destroying this country, See some monkey business…

Financial:

Sell an organ (preferably not my own), sell a child (my own will work in this case), sell junk on Craig’s List (Suckers!), Sell my writing, buy a house, sell a house, build a house, house a refugee, Sue Oprah (and win), own a zoo (where I will experiment with cloning and genitic engineering to come up with my own new animals)

People to Meet:

Jesus Christ, Jesus Lopez (my alleged lawcare professional), Chef Boyardee (to thank him for feeding me during my entire adolecent years), George Bush (either one will work), Barry Switzer, Jerry Jones, Dave Chappelle, Gary Coleman (deceased), Larry Bird, Dave Matthews, Andre the Giant (deceased), Alec Baldwin, Bradley Copper, Will Farrell, The man who voices the Whataburger commercials, Jerry Sandusky (uh…eff that!)