Not long ago I decide that I am going to live vicariously through my children.  I am going to have them do all of the things that I did not get to do as a child.  I know that most of you already assume that I am talking about sports.  Don’t get me wrong,  I will probably do what most fathers who participated in sports end up doing for their kids.  I will spend thousands upon thousands of dollars sending my kids to sporting camps hosted by local pro athletes (who never actually show up at the camp).  I will bribe referees, coaches, and teachers in order to assure the maximum playing time for my kids.  Hell, I may even sabotage my children’s opponents.  Anything for mention of my child in the local gazette, right?  While I will, undoubtedly, do all of these things, there are other, more important things that my children need to experience…for me. 

As a child, I always wanted to be trained in martial arts.  I never got the chance because I was too busy stealing hood ornaments and pulling drive-by shootings with my paintball gun.  Naturally, I want my children to experience the confidence and discipline that is taught through martial arts.  My son is now almost 11 months old.  I have been training him to become a baby ninja since he was about 6 months old.  I am happy to report that he is progressing rather nicely.  He even connected on a roundhouse kick to the skull of his three-year-old sister the other day. (assisted by me of course, as he cannot yet walk)  It felt as if I were actually the one landing that sweet roundhouse to her petite, blonde noggin.  I must say, if dealing out round-houses to one of my kids…using my other kid were a drug, I would be Pablo Escobar.  This whole vicarious living concept is going to work out for me, I think. 

Heee Yah!

I never got a tattoo as a young person.  Naturally, I do not want my kids to miss their window like I did, so I got M inked.  I didn’t want to take her to one of those trendy tattoo shops with their fancy artists and sterilized needles like all of the punk college kids.  I found a homeless man the other day that had a sign that read, “Will Tattoo You For Food”, so I hired him.  Turns out that he was not looking for food, so after a fifth of $7 whiskey he was ready to get started on my three-year-old daughter’s tat.  We are pretty happy with the results and after a brief hospital stay and a bout of tetanus, the tattoo is healing nicely.  What a gift for both M and Me! 

I am not completely irresponsible

I think that my children are going to grow up with the sense that they have lived life to the fullest.  I can’t wait for tomorrow’s experience where I…er my kids get to go skydiving!