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We’ve Got Crabs!


Hello blogophiles!  Yes, I am still alive…barely.  My apologies for not posting recently.  Hopefully you will forgive me as I have been busy solidifying my position as the Christian Grey of our new home.  If I can just get the wifey to sign those non-disclosure agreements…

Lil B doin’ work

Anyway, what I would really like to do is update you all on the little ones since the last installment was purely rodent related.  M & Lil B are doing quite well in getting adjusted to their new digs.  In fact, they have almost become fully acclimated to cleaning the additional square footage of the new crib.  In fact, they are becoming more efficient and are quickly working their way toward getting 3 full hours of sleep each night.  This is a great milestone and it gives me confidence that they will be able to keep the new house clean while still keeping up with their regular yard work duties.  For a minute, I thought that we were going to have to have another child to supplement M & Lil B.  Thank God the wifey is a Tiger Mom and she runs a tight ship…I don’t know if I could handle having to purchase fast food for an additional mouth…the thought sends chills through my gelatinous body…

As a reward, of sorts, for the kids taking on the added chores, we have let them get a pet.  Cats are out because of allergies.  Dogs are out because you actually have to interact with them.  Farm animals are out because my therapist does not think I am fully rehabilitated yet.  This leaves us with boring old fish…That is until we are at the Stepfordville Mall one day making the kids do some power walking to increase their chore productivity, when we stumble across the perfect pet…Crabs.  That’s right, we’ve got crabs!

May I just say that these crabs have been the perfect pet thus far.  They just sit there in their little sand-covered prison cell and all we have to do is keep some water in there for them and feed them now and then. (I am now fully qualified to be a prison warden! Feed ’em, water ’em… execute ’em!)  The best part about having crabs is that the kids have a pet to call their own and caring for the crabs does not take away from their chores!  This is waaaay better than the last time I had crabs…

Badda Bing-Badda Boom

In addition to the giving the kids crabs, we also allow 30 minutes of television per week (assuming all work tasks have been completed to our satisfaction).  One might think that M & Lil B would choose to watch cartoons, or one of the preteen shows on Disney, but not my little workers.  They spend their TV time watching Cake Boss!  If you haven’t seen it, Cake Boss is a reality show featuring an entire family of overweight New Jersey Italians making kickass cakes.  Obviously, they eat a lot of cake too…Needless to say, the kids now walk around the house spouting off in their best Jersey-Italian accents.  It is funny to hear a 5 and 3 year-old tossing around terms like fondant, “butta cream”  and  “I’m the borse”   Next thing I know they will be watching Snookie blow some dude in a bathroom on Jersey Shore…God help us…Why can’t they just watch Nickelodeon?  Now it’s just me that watches Victorious and Wizards of Waverly Place…alone in the dark with my scented lotions…don’t judge me…

“Kids Show” Victorious…watch it…watch it real hard

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It’s Holiday Season Again: Christmas…Execution Style


I am proud (or embarrassed) to present the final installment of the Holiday Season Series.  So sit back, drop your pants, tighten that belt around your neck one more notch and try not to lose conciousness before you “finish”.

Ah Christmas, the culmination of a long journey that is the holiday season.  Complete with enough glitz and glam to impress even little bearded baby Jesus, who just happens to share a fake birthday with our favorite day to celebrate capitalism.  It’s funny really when you take a step back and look at how we have bastardized what was once a holy day to many.  Frankincense and Myrrh have been replaced with PS3 & iPad.  Saint Nicholas is now a fat ass cookie-gobbling home invader, and the traditional nativity scene now comes with Yoda as the baby Jesus.  But hey, at least we are winning the war on terror… Suck on that Bin Ladin!  However, I admit that I, too am to blame for the capitalization of Christmas, but screw it, I like blinky lights and boxes wrapped with shiny paper just as much as the next guy, which brings us to Christmas and my family.

I have purposely waited 2 months to publish this entry because it has taken this long to recover. I still shutter at the mere thought of a Christmas tree.  Once upon a time Christmas could quite possibly have been my most favorite time of year.  My folks were blessed with the good fortune to be able to afford to buy my sister and me pretty much anything we asked for, and believe me, we asked for a lot.  I think at one time I had enough G.I. Joe paraphernalia to invade a small country and my sister had a enough Barbie dolls to recreate Hugh Hefner’s wildest Playboy Mansion shindig…that is until we turned all of those plastic bitches into Pope-shredding Sinead O’Connor doppelgangers! It’s safe to say that my sis and I loved us some Christmas.

Fast forward from prepubescent, kung fu grip-enthusiast to 37 years old, married with kids.  Now I am getting a glimpse behind the shimmering, happy happy-joy joy facade that is Christmas and I don’t like what I see.  I used to look under the ole Christmas tree and I was instantly transformed into a present-hoarding Gollum, or Smeagolif you prefer…my precious…Now when I look under that same tree I see boxes wrapped in my money and an ever-worsening toy infestation problem in our home.

Looks more like my sister than me

I don’t know how my folks did it.  It seems like my sis and I had a ton of toys and somehow my folks managed to keep the toys from taking over their home.  I can’t walk through my house now without stepping on a Zooble (WTF is a Zooble??), or having to clear the furniture of stuffed animals and books just to sit down.  In fact, we once had a guest room in our house that is now overrun with Elmo and his gang of Asian-made marauders.  And this Christmas is no exception.

Christmas Eve: My House

Since Francine, our Elf on The Shelf, came to live with us a couple of years ago, we have ceased to travel for Christmas.  The original thought of setting up the Santa crime scene was endearing…until we realized that “some assembly required” means that you will spend endless hours putting together toys that your kids will play with for about an hour on Christmas morning.  Those same toys are never to be seen again once they are shuttled off to the confines of Elmo’s World…er the playroom.  Still, with the dexterity of South American sweat shop workers we assemble toy after toy.  We are about half-way through a handle of Crown when I notice that the decals are going on a bit crooked, but screw it, we are on a mission and we will not be delayed by drunken decal-ing!  It is about midnight and I am putting the finishing touches on Lil B’s new basketball goal when in walks a groggy M.  We just freeze like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar (who the hell has an actual cookie jar?).  The wife suddenly breaks herself from the Crown-induced haze and shields M’s eyes from the harsh reality as she whisks her back to her bed.

Thank You Roofies Jr.

Amazingly, M has no recollection of waking up that night and is fully surprised on Christmas morning…thank you Rohypnol!- (When simply being an irresponsible parent just isn’t enough)

Christmas morning goes as expected, or at least my hangover-hazed memory tells me that it did.  M walks into the room calm and collected.  She makes her way through the maze of toys that “Santa” painstakingly set up and she is silently taking inventory.  The first thing from her mouth is not, “YAY!” or screams of delight.  No, M remembers exactly everything that she asked for and she is mentally scratching each item from the list as she makes her way around the tree.  Upon completion of her rounds, she simply looks at us with a sad little face and says, ” I didn’t get the Zhu Zhu Palace”…(WTF is a Zhu Zhu??)

To add to our toy prison overcrowding problems, our kids just happen to have some of the best grandparents in the world.  With the undying love of grandparents comes…you guessed it, boxes and boxes of toys arriving almost daily throughout the month of December.  My neighbors must think that our house is acting as an overflow distribution center for FedEx.  It got so “bad” this year that if there was no box on our porch when we went to check the mail, that my greedy kids thought something was wrong.  The toy situation is so bad that we have to cull through the post unwrapping carnage and sneak as many of the toys away as we can to be hidden away and used for bribes during the coming year.  (I highly suggest this if you have the room to hide more toys)

Despite the fact that we are prime candidates to make an appearance on Hoarders, this Christmas goes off with little incident.  We are thankful and lucky to have such great grandparents and an Elf on the Shelf that knows how to regulate.  I am starting to feel the stress of the holidays melt away as we edge ever closer to spring.  In fact, I am already making a list of toys to get the kids next Christmas.  Actually, my list is not toys, but rather a list of those to be executed.  Three guesses as to what bearded, fat-bellied bastard is at the top of that list.

One Down...Now where is that damn Easter Bunny?

It’s Holiday Season Again: Thanksgiving


 

Okay,

so I promised to complete the holiday series and by GOD I am going to do it!  For those of you that have long since put the torturous memory of Thanksgiving out of its misery, I am happy to reopen that wound for you as I am doing so to myself by authoring this very entry.

As is often the case, we opt to travel for Thanksgiving this year.  Only this time we are not on a 3-hour tour, we jump in head first and sign up for the 6-hour variety of road trip.  Granted, if I roofie the wife and NyQuil the rug rats , I can make that trip in 5 hours flat.  This being said, I am fresh out of roofies and at last check we have two wide-awake ankle-biters in the back seat. Begrudgingly, we head off to the windy, treeless prairies of the Texas panhandle.

Based on previous road trips (see https://genericdad.com/2010/09/21/were-no-donner-party/) you all know my children do not do well in the car over long periods of time.  Now, in the past we would typically drive thru a fast food joint and scarf down a high calorie, deep-fried mystery meal while I would attempt to distractedly eat and drive.  This is coupled with the wife riding reverse cowboy (on her knees in the front seat facing the back seat trying to force the kids to eat food that they don’t want in the first place)…maybe “Reverse Cowboy” is not the term…In fact, I know it’s not…I have Cinemax ya know. Needless to say, this is not the safest way to transport our precious cargo, so in recent trips we have been stopping at an actual restaurant with actual waiters.  This, at the very least, allows the wife and I to enjoy decent food while our kids run around howling like banshees in whatever Small Town, TX eatery we bless with our noisy presence.

The meal goes without incident.  I tip the poor 78 year-old woman who had to endure the ear-piercing shrieks of  my kids and we are back on the road just as an icy rain starts to fall.  Because the kids are somewhat behaving and because they actually ate some lunch we are inclined to let them have some candy while they watch their annoying movies (thank GOD for headphones!).  I don’t know if is something that he ate at lunch, car sickness, or something else entirely, but Lil B lets out a painful sounding belch that would put Booger Presley to shame.  That air bubble must have been serving as some makeshift cork because as soon as the cork blew, so did Lil B.  The kids had each just plowed through a tasty sack of M&Ms, so naturally, what was currently being projectile-vomited all over the back of my seat had the look of a lovely chocolate fountain one might see at a decent reception.  The comparison to the reception stops there because this is about the time that the smell hits the front seat.  Of course, we are in the middle of nowhere by this time and it’s pouring rain.  Luckily we see a roadside stop that we can at least have some cover to get Lil B. out of his Baby Gap Chocolate Fondue gear.  Clean as I might, I am not able to rid the vehicle of the scent of chocolate mixed with stomach bile, but some creative directing of the air vents at least keeps the smell in back with the livestock…err kids.

By comparison, the rest of our journey goes swimmingly and we soon find ourselves in the dusty plains of the panhandle on the outskirts of Amarillo.  There is not much to do in Amarillo other than binge drink and get pregnant.  Since we are already saddled with two fun babies, we opt for binge drinking.  We relax and visit with family in the days leading up to the turkey day feast(s).

Our first feast requires a short jaunt to the metropolis of Dumas, a small agribusiness-centered community in which the wife’s family resides.  Dumas is filled with good people and…hispanics, but mostly good people and I do not mind our brief visits.  It is actually a nice departure from the busyness of Dallas.  Things are quiet and simple and there is not much to do and I kind of like it…if only I could get 4G to connect so that I could Facebook and watch internet porn…maybe I don’t like being out in the boonies after all…at least there’s binge drinking…

After a delicious Thanksgiving meal with the wife’s family we are forced to exit rather quickly as we are already running late for our 2nd feast at my folk’s house back in Amarillo.  We arrive at my parent’s place just as my family is sitting down to eat.  So as not to disappoint, I heap the fixin’s onto my plate as though I had not seen food in days.  You can’t show up to mom’s and not eat after she has spent an entire day preparing a meal…So, the wife and I take one for the team and eat our second complete Thanksgiving meal within a two-hour span.  I am a fat ass and this is not much of a feat for me to accomplish, but I give the wife credit as she made a great showing at both feasts.  I am not positive, but I could swear I hear the sounds of a desperate woman purging her system later that day…it reminds me of high school and for a short time I bask in the nostalgia of my hometown.

The voyage home is uneventful.  There is no projectile vomiting, no crying, and no rain.  As we listen to an audiobook my mind drifts in and out of the story.  My liver and colon wreaking havoc on me for a week’s worth of overeating…and drinking, I am left with a warm sensation knowing that we are blessed with such a great family…nope, that’s not it…I think I just sharted…where the hell is that roadside stop!

It’s Holiday Season Again: Halloween


Let’s face it.  Halloween is one of those holidays that people either love or hate.  There simply is no middle ground when it comes to All Hallows Eve.  As I grow older I find myself in the crossroads of hating and loving Halloween. 

 When I was a kid I loved all things Halloween.  The costumes, the trick-or-treating and especially all of the candy.  It was the one time of the year that my folks would let me run loose around the neighborhood soliciting sugar high-enducing treats.  My parents were so cool that they didn’t even go through my candy claiming to pull out the unsafe looking pieces while secretly culling out the good stuff for them selves.  Nope, I was free to tear into every razor blade-infused apple, every drug-laced, unwrapped candy, and even those nasty ass candy corns.  Although I have it on good authority that they would sneak into my stash once I finally crashed from my sugar high. 

As I grew a little older the trick-or-treating would give way to just running wild through the neighborhood wreaking havoc on people’s Halloween yard art and kicking in the faces of their lovingly carved jack-o-lanterns.  Rather than begging door to door for candy I would simply steal the candy of a younger ‘treater.  Yes, I know this is wrong, but kids did it to me and by God, I was going to have my revenge.  Plus, I couldn’t return home empty-handed and dressed like a zombie. 

As I entered the high school scene Halloween would shift gears significantly.  For me and my crew it was all about property damage.  We would steal pumpkins and drive around hurling our loot at unsuspecting brick mailboxes and parked cars.  Trick-or-treating would become underage drinking-themed house parties.  This trend would continue on into college with the property damage portion of the evening eventually fading away.  Call it maturation if you will, but I credit binge drinking and girls dressed in slutty costumes.  Who wants to toss pumpkins when you can stare at coeds while drinking your way to tossing your cookies just before you pass out on a stranger’s couch.  Man, I just realized how much I miss college.  These first 3 phases of Halloween are what I always loved about the holiday. 

In the years after college the fun would begin to fade.  Dressing up for costume parties would become a source of stress to have the most kick-ass costume.  Binge drinking would become a liability as we all had jobs and responsibilities.  I would also develop a hatred for overaged trick-or-treaters.  Why won’t those teenagers just move to the next phase?  Get to a party, get to stealing other kids candy, or get to smashing pumpkins.  Either way, just get off my porch you greedy little bastards!  Essentially, I begin to hate Halloween at this point in life.

Enter marriage and babies and the cycle begins again.  This time it’s my children entering phase one of Halloween.  It is such a great feeling to see the pure joy on their faces as they are handed a piece of candy from a complete stranger.  Their little eyes just light up at the sight of that dum-dum being dropped into their oversized plastic pumpkin buckets.  Watching them fight through the completely ridiculous costumes that we force upon them while trying to run to the next house brings forth a hearty giggle.  And perhaps the best part of the evening is when we have made our way home, candy buckets dumped onto the floor, and we drop the big one on them.  We tell them that they can have one candy before bed, and one candy only.  Their little, round faces become serious with the weight of the decision that is upon them.  Despite their selection we all win.  They get delicious and hopefully unlaced candy and we get to feel like good parents…for a night.  I think it’s safe to say that I have come full circle on Halloween.  Hell, I think I am gonna go smash my neighbor’s pumpkins and steal some poor kid’s candy just for the nostalgia.

 

My Little Zombies

 

National Debt Crisis Resolved


A quick note that I wanted to share with you all regarding a commercial that I recently saw on a channel that my 4-year-old frequents.  Typically, I do not pay much attention to the crap that is on the television when M is watching.  I make the mistake that many of you make in that I trust in the “children’s programming” format of the network with which my daughter is enthralled. 

So, I am sitting there picking my nose or adjusting my junk as I often do in my spare time when my attention is brought to a commercial on the TV.  View the commercial now and then rejoin my discussion below so that we are all on the same page:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDyOD1C67J0

Now that you have witnessed at least some version equal to that which I saw.  My question is simple; what are we teaching our children with games like this?  I may be an idiot, but what I see in that commercial is that handling, playing with, and collecting feces is fun.  Not even during the depression was playing with your own, let alone animal shit a fun thing to do.  Fine, they added some happy colors to the fake dog shit so that it’s appealing to everyone and a good time is had by all…playing with faux shit.  I can only assume that there is no realistic feces smell included.  I don’t know about you all, but if I let my near 2-year-old watch that commercial, I would soon have a mound of randomly collected turds in my house. 

Jackpot!

What is a kid to learn from this game other than, “If I collect the most pieces of shit, I can win in life”?  What about that game tells a child that feces is disgusting and carries bacteria and diseases?  Nothing!  Instead, they make shit seem colorful and fun.  Hey kids, it’s okay to scoop up that turd from the yard.  In fact, take a bite because we have colored it to look like a friggin’ candy cane.  Plus, it’s worth 5 points!  I can only imagine the repercussions involved on the first day of school when my kids show up with a cache of dog shit or worse acting like they own the joint.  According to this game, shit is the new bling.  “You like my new grill?  Yeah, it’s thoroghbred horse shit, dawg. Fo reals” 

Diversified, Yo!

This game is not the only source directing our kids to embrace poop.  Mr. Hankey has been around for years and recently the Easter Bunny movie made it socially acceptable to eat rabbit shit.  That movie alone has made me start systematically eliminating the rabbits from my yard.  I feel like the Hitler of bunnies!  Something has got to give…I think I will just keep my kids playing Chutes and Ladders or Candy Land …at least until I see them gnawing on the furniture.

Innocence and Brutal Honesty


Tonight the Wife and I were slapped square in the face with some harsh reality…from our four-year-old.  While battling through yet another meal of brow beating M to eat something, she decides to pull a Maverick/Goose fly by of the tower. 

For those of you that don’t know M that well, she is the most loving little girl I have ever known.  I know this sounds like proud-parent-syndrome, but I am not exaggerating.  If there’s a chance for her to hug or kiss on Mom, Dad, or Lil B she is going to take it and she will run it into the ground.  In fact, tonight she licked me on the cheek as if she were a friggin’ dog, er…cute little puppy.   However, the over-licking and kissing are for another day.

So M is sitting at the table when she decides that, rather than take a bite of dinner, she will deploy her patented delay tactics and tell Mommy that she wants to give her a hug (one of multiple hugs deployed during any given meal).  M drops her ordinance of hugs and then, instead of  her typical reroute back to base (her chair), she decides that this mission is going to require the use of nuclear force.

Upon completion of the hug mission, M steps back from Mommy and drops this 5 megaton whopper, ” Mommy, do you have a baby in your tummy?”  After what seemed like an eternity of silence and several awkward wordless exchanges between Mommy and Me, I burst into a hearty belly laugh.  Meanwhile, Mommy is sitting at the table with fail-smile trying to figure out how to tell M that there is no baby in her tummy without letting on that this comment cut Mommy to the bone. 

So Mommy tells M that there is, in fact no baby in her tummy as she fights back a wave of tears. I am over across the kitchen belly laughing when M says to me, “Daddy, do YOU have a baby in your tummy?”  The laughing abruptly ends and Mommy and I enter a few moments of quite self-reflection while M awaits a response.  “No, neither Daddy or Mommy have a baby in our tummy.”  One would think that this would end the line of questioning and everyone would proceed with dinner.  Not M.  She disputes what we have told her and goes further to insist that Mommy does have a baby in her tummy.  This goes over like a lead balloon.

After adamant refusal from Mommy, M finally relents and goes back to pretending to eat.  The rest of the meal is a blur of sorts because both Mommy and I are locked away in the depths of our own self consciousness trying to assess the damage from the massive bombs that had just been dropped by our sweet, innocent daughter.  Not to be insensitive, but I felt how the survivors of Hiroshima must have felt as they crawled out from the rubble to see that their entire existence had been wiped out.  Fine, I am a overexaggerator.  Regardless, the seemingly innocent questions from our daughter had obtrusively opened our eyes.  Yes, Mommy and Daddy are severely out of shape…

Our evening ends with gentle hugs and kisses as the kids are tucked away in their beds (while internally struggling with issuing M a severe beating…we’ll show her little ass who’s out of shape!).  Mommy straps on her trainers and knocks the dust off the ole treadmill while I retired to the pool with my awesome sixpack…of non-light beer.  I can only assume that the next line of pregnancy questioning will be directed only at me…Cheers

Nuggets of Truth


Hello blogosphere!

I am sorry that this has become such a habit to have to apologize at the beginning of every post for not posting more frequently. Alas, I am busy at work, busy with the kiddos, and truthfully, I am quite possibly the laziest person that you know.

Regardless, on to the long-overdue update. Let’s start with M since you all know her a little better than Lil B. M is approaching the start of her 2nd year of Pre-K at the little Christian school. She has progressed nicely as far as curriculum is concerned. She is also making interesting strides in her social development. At the end of last year she was anointed “Most Friendly” by her teachers. We were proud of her for not being the thumb-sucker that sits in the corner and shits herself while not having the communication skills to let anyone know about it. However, we have recently been made aware that our daughter is the cause of much drama at the little Christian school. Apparently all of her classmates want to play with M and she has not exactly rolled out the welcome waggon to some of them. While we understand that someone known as “most friendly” might draw a crowd in the realm of the 4-year-old, we are not prepared to have other parents complain that our little baby is excluding her peers. The important thing here is what we do with this information. There are several ways to look at this situation. We could be happy that our daughter is the object of every post-toddler’s desire regardless of who she has to step on to reach the pinnacle of Pre-K stardom. Or, we could scold and punish her for not being nice to others and try to strain some sort of life lesson out of the situation. In the back of my mind I feel as if I am creating some kind of pre-pubescent sorority super-bitch…and I kind of like it. I mean, why should my little girl have to be scolded because some half-wit’s parents can’t handle that they have a child that is an undesirable playmate. Problem solved! M, continue on with your natural selection-style of making friends. I feel like Will Farrell in Old School as he takes a tranquilizer to the jugular, “Is this bad?

On to the main man who is going to carry on the Henderson name, Lil B. The last update I did probably had Lil B shitting in diapers and crying like a little bitch about every little thing. Well, I am unhappy to report that nothing has changed! As Lil B nears his 2nd birthday we find him in the throes of learning the english language. While he has a full grasp on conversation (in his mind), he is in that stage in which only us parents understand what the hell he is actually saying. It usually involves crying about a lost member of his entourage. You read correctly, B has an entourage. He has “Baby”, “Rabbit”, Giraffe”, and “Puppy”. When I say entourage, I mean it in every sense of the word. Lil B is NEVER seen without at least one of his trusted comrades. Although, I did notice that none of B’s boys were around when he decided to carpet bomb the kitchen.

It is our own fault. See, Lil B had a gnarly diaper rash and we were trying to let that nasty thing air itself out. So one afternoon I get the kids home and decide that B’s bomber needs a little time outside of the diaper. I slap some shorts on him mainly because M is a little too fascinated with the difference in equipment between the two of them, if you know what I mean. The shorts are designed to avoid M screaming,  “PENIS! PENIS!”  while pointing and laughing at her nude little brother. That being said, B is going about his normal business of free-balling and following M around one afternoon and things are running quite swimmingly. They aren’t fighting, B isn’t tackling or pulling M’s hair and M isn’t using her height advantage to withhold coveted items from B. Basically, a nice little afternoon in my world.   Meanwhile, as I half nap/half ignore the kids. Mommy comes into the kitchen and screeches. I am shaken from my slumber and run into the kitchen thinking that B has fallen on his head (again) or that he has kicked M’s ass again when I almost step in a trail of turds. If I were tracking small game it would not have been difficult to track Lil B from the string of nuggets that he had laid down across the kitchen floor.  As I scrape up last night’s dinner reincarnate, I am reminded of one of the many reasons that we are now dog-free.  I also made the tactical error in thinking that this was a one-time event. Two kids almost potty trained, and I recently got my first bathtub bombing from Lil B.  To make matters worse, I was distracted by a heated game of Disc Driving on my iPhone while I let him play a bit in the tub.  I am startled from my game by the garbled sounds of Lil B saying, “Poo Poo”.  I give a half-ass glance in his direction and my mouth falls open.  Sitting proudly coated in Mr. Bubble is Lil B. holding up a piece of shit the size of a cucumber. He is grinning ear-to-ear with the pride that he has finally connected the term of Poo Poo to its reality.  I swipe the ex-dinner from his hand and pull my best fade-away into the toilet. Splash! Nothin’ but net, err…water.  I know that B will grow out of his bombing phase, so I am not too worried.  Plus, I get to work on my jump shot.

So, you all can see that I have two midgets in completely different stages of childhood. To add to this, I have both sexes to deal with and believe it or not, they are completely different in demeanor from birth. I am thankful for this challenge because I was beginning to get a little bored with being Superdad. Obviously, if you have read all of this you have lost time that you will never get back. Thank you for reading and watch out for those toddler land mines!

Spew Me A River and Long Dong Chimp…Unrelated…Somewhat


 

I would love some input from you other parents on this one…Our kids seem to have developed some genetic mutation that has given them the super power of projectile vomiting at will.  Of all the genes from the multitudes of generations gone by that are carried in my wife’s and my blood, our kids both get hair-trigger gag reflexes. 

For instance, B has thrown up on a restaurant table all of the 3 times that we have taken him to a restaurant.  You may be thinking, “Wow, they don’t get out much!”  You would be correct.  We clean enough toddler spew up at our own house.  We don’t need the added cleanup duty coupled with the embarrassment that comes from seeing fellow patrons bury their faces in disgust or gasp out in astonishment as they watch our entire meal get glazed with a thin layer of milk spray.  You can understand why I no longer eat donuts. 

B's Future Career

Don’t think that I am leaving M out of this.  The poor kid can get a little tickle in her throat, or have a little cough and que the chunk-works.  On top of each of them having these separate issues, they both hose down a room with any period of prolonged crying.  I recently purchased a John boat and fashioned strap-on buckets for both kids just to get around our own house.  Our friggin’ carpet looks like a cheetah with all of the spots.  We have been putting off getting wood floors for fear that they will warp under the constant layer of regurgitated food.  I even went so far as to trace back our lineage on Ancestry.com to see if some distant relative mated with a fly…or an Irishman. I found a lot of the latter.  Coincidence?

On a somewhat lighter note, we decide to take the kids to the Fort Worth Zoo last weekend.  The weather is great, the crowds are low, and the kids seem to be holding down their food, so off we go in search of flamingos and elephants.   (Don’t think for a second that I didn’t thow the puke buckets in the car) Nevertheless, things are going wonderfully when we happen upon the chimpanzee exhibit. 

Like most kids, our kids like the chimps, and any monkeys for that matter.  

Use Your Imagination

So we linger at this exhibit just enjoying watching the chimps chase each other around their habitat.  It is about this time that I notice a small group of chimps that is up on a high rock above the rest of the group.  There are about four or five of them hanging out up there.  As my gaze begins to shift from them to the chimps down below something stops my eyes dead in their tracks.  I quickly snap my head back up to the rocky outcrop. OMG!  Is that what I think it is?  Holy S@%*!  There is a male chimp just kinda lying back against the rock similar to how a I might sit on the couch and watch a Rangers game. 

The reason that I know it is a male is that this guy has the hugest erection that I have seen on an animal outside of a horse (different story…there was beer involved…a lot of beer).  As I stand there in amazement of this chimp’s endowment, a female sitting next to him hops up and straddles “Mr. 3-legs”.  Am I dreaming?  Have I fallen asleep watching internet porn again?  This female hops on, grabs the 2-footer that “Long Dong Chimp” is packing and sveltely guides it..well you know what happens next. 

It is at this time that I practically blind M with a ninja-like hand to the eyes/headlock spin maneuver to set us down the path away from the chimps.  I am almost wishing I had my own puke bucket…As we walk away I can help thinking about the schlong on that chimp.  I guess if we consider that Man won the war of evolution with his opposable thumbs, I have to say that chimps won at least one battle…

Communication Breakdown


Hello friends!

Wow, a lot has happened since the last post.  I apologize for not posting more, but let’s face facts…I am lazy.

B  is growing like a weed and with that growth comes quite the healthy little appetite.  You are all well aware of M’s eating issues, or lack of eating issues as I have ranted about them on multiple postings. 

mmmm salmon

 B seems to be quite the opposite of M in the eating department, which is refreshing.   While M sticks to her strict diet of only chicken nuggets, B eats everything that he can get his chubby little paws on.  He eats all things that M steers clear of including; hot sauce, veggies of all types, salad, most meats, and of course crayons.         

"cookoo, cookoo, cookoo"

Unlike M, who was practically speaking at birth, B has taken a bit longer to get going.  These days, while M runs around quoting Macbeth, B is a little more like Colin Firth in The King’s Speech.  Rather than stutter, B simply pummels us with a constant barrage of “juice, juice, juice” or “cookoo, cookoo, cookoo” (cookoo is cookie in B-speak).  Oh he can say plenty of other things, but it’s those two words that haunt me while I sleep.  He is also a tad bit spoiled and has thus mastered the ability to instantly produce an ear-piercing scream and tears the second that he does not get what he wants.  In an effort to maintain at least some sanity, I have to walk around with a pump sprayer full of juice and I wear a sidearm that fires Nilla Wafers.  Before B can even get through his speech, “juice, juice, juice, ju…” BAM! I have silenced him with rapid fire from my snack shooter and hosed him down with juice.  Ahh…sweet silence…”cookoo, cookoo, cookoo”…where’s my shotgun…

In addition to being a “healthy” eater, B is quite the bully it seems.  Although M has 6″ in height and 4″ in reach on B, he typically gets the best of her.  I have noticed that he has a couple of solid go-to moves that M just can’t seem to defence.  His most solid move is what I like to call the “Dozer”.  The Dozer comes into play when B feels that M is getting more attention than him from Mom or Dad.  I can see it about to happen every time.  He gets this glazed over look in his eyes and they roll back in his head ever so slightly.  At this point there is no stopping him, so I quickly detach M from whatever grip she has on me with a swift front kick, or a Heisman to the forehead and I sit back and watch B fully bulldoze M.  It’s great.  The dozing of M ends with her on the ground or when B has dozed her into a wall or a piece of furniture.  The constant supply of cookoos and juice have given him some sort of super powers it seems.  B’s other go-to move is the classic hair pull.  If you thought Daniel-san was quick with those chopsticks, then you have not seen B in action.  He can go from a lying down position to having a fist full of M’s golden locks in the blink of an eye.  Unfortunately, I usually have to throw in the towel at this point because I can see that M is not going to get out of his thunder grip.  On the other hand, it is nice to see them “playing” together.  I can’t wait to teach B-san to sweep the leg.

Disciple of Discipline


Lately it seems that our sweet little angelic daughter is starting to look to the dark side for inspiration.  Rare are the days of snuggling on the sofa while we enjoy the timeless stylings of Dora The Explorer.  These sweet moments have only come to be replaced by endless battles over what we think M should wear to school versus what she thinks she needs to wear.  Pour thing obviously got her fashion sense from her dad.

We still battle at the dinner table each night trying to get Mrs. Thang to eat something besides tater tots.  Although, we have experienced a little progress with her palate as she has expanded into the realm of beef in the form of hamburgers and most recently, tacos.  Of course, the hamburger must be dry and may ONLY have one slice of american cheese.  The taco must be just ground beef with no taco seasoning and ONLY one slice of american cheese.  I realize that we did this to M somehow, but we sure as hell cannot figure out how to un-do the damage.  Hopefully, by the time M is dating (Age 30 if I have a say) her palate will have blossomed so that she might be able to enjoy mac-n-cheese, or a nice hotdog, or slice of pizza.  At least she will be a cheap date, right?

To go along with the wardrobe and diet battles, Mrs. Thang has taken a liking to talking back to us and she has the uncanny ability to tune us out when we are telling her to do something that she obviously does not think she needs to do.  Of course, this has resulted in M becoming very familiar with the timeout area in our dining room.  I recently walked by the timeout area and caught a glimpse of some markings on the wall.  Awww, my baby’s first graffiti.  This timeout area is starting to look like a well-used prison cell.  There are hash marks that track the minutes spent in timeout prison, there are crude drawings of the things from the outside that M does not get to experience while on the inside, such as the park and TV.  I almost lulled myself into thinking that maybe we have been to hard on our little princess…until the last couple of weeks at school.

Mrs. Thang has now taken her undisciplined show on the road.  Apparently she has been sent to timeout at school on at least three occasions that we know about. (in the past week and a half!)  I am fairly certain that there are more times that were conveniently left out of the daily “what did you do at school today” report.  As a result of Mrs. Thang’s willingness to take her bad behavior out into public, we are quickly coming to the realization that timeouts are just not cutting it.  We need to step up the consequences for crossing over to the dark side.  How do you do this, you ask.  I imagine each child is different, but what works for M, is to take away things most dear to her, such as Barbie.  (On a sad side note, some of you may recall Stripper Barbie (https://genericdad.com/2010/02/07/is-barbie-a-stripper/).  Well, she recently met her untimely demise due to a severe hip problem which prevented her from being able to close her legs…ironic, to say the least…a moment of silence please.)

With Stripper Barbie out of the picture, M now has a new favorite Barbie that has similar hooker boots and skanky skirt, PLUS she lights up when you depress her necklace.  This is M’s crack right now, and this is what I took from her when she got in trouble (again) at school yesterday.  For a brief couple of hours I had my princess back.  She snuggled with me while we watched Glee (her favorite show next to Idol) and she was on her best behavior!  We have also taken TV and bedtime story privileges and these seem to work, but only for the short-term.  Before we know it, she’s in trouble again at school and I am running out of things to take and I can’t bring myself to spank her.  Where does this leave us for discipline options?  Perhaps this should have been a Dear Abby letter…