Dear Father, it has been weeks since my last post. Don’t even bother with the penance, I know what to do…
I am sorry that I have left you hanging for so long. I got a little snowed under at work and have not made time to get my blog on. Even as I type these words I feel like an addict that has been off the junk for a while, but has now fallen off the wagon and is on a long overdue heroin bender. In fact, I feel the heroin-esque sensation coursing through my fingers as I diligently peck away at my keyboard rig. I had better get to a point quickly before I slip away into a comatose state within my own head movies. Should I loosen this tournequet…
With the passing of that surge of adrenaline that comes from me falling off of the blogging wagon, or bl0gon, I am now ready to tell you all what has been going on these past few weeks.
I should start with my new conquest. I read the article on Yahoo.com about the kid that started out trading a cell phone one Craig’sl List and ended up with a Porsche two years later and I was inspired. I have embarked on a similar journey over the past couple of weeks. I will frequently update you with my CL adventures as I quest to trade for something bigger and better. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/20/teen-trades-cell-phone-fo_n_653018.html
So far I started by selling my lawn mower. I don’t use my mower because I support illegal immigrants by paying them to cut my grass. It’s my way of giving back to the latino community that has done so much for me. By this I mean that they brought Mexican food and Dos Equis to this country. I will never repay my debt to Juan…or is it Paco? They all look the same once you strap a leaf blower to them…I kid of course.
My next CL transaction was to sell some hand carved wood columns that I salvaged from a hotel that was being renovated. I thought that I was going to create something cool and original with those columns, but all that I could muster was a pile of wood columns for M to climb on. I traded said columns for an antique vanity that has very unique etchings and is in pretty good shape. I am cleaning it up to repost it hopefully this weekend. I also traded my old original Xbox for an unopened set of P90X. I have not yet decided to try the P90X and get into shape, or to try to parlay it into something else on CL, which is my main objective here…but then again I am kinda fat…stay tuned for a decision on that while I tear into this package of Ho-Ho’s.
Items currently up for sale or trade:
My Laseraim .45 ACP with laser site. I can’t actually post this one on CL, but I need to somehow work it into a trade if I am going to stay true to my mission. We are also starting to shed baby gear like a teenage girl who got lucky and miscarried. I am talking strollers, swings, you name it, we got it…and it all has to go because the baby farm is closed for business.
I will post another entry soon to update you all on the adventures of M & lil B. Some fun tales to be shared!
A disturbing trend has begun in our household. My 3 year-old daughter is becoming a nudist. The first symptoms began as rare instances when M would somehow end up clothes-less on a random weekend day. Soon, like the spread of AIDS in an African village, the instances became more and more frequent. Now, it seems that M somehow ends up stripped down to her panties almost every day after we get her home from school. The reasons for shedding her clothes range from understandable to complete nonsensical. For instance, she sometimes spills her drink on her shirt or dress. Naturally, she doesn’t want to sit around in wet clothes, so she takes them off. The problem is that the wet clothes never seem to get replaced with dry clothes…or any clothes. Instead, she would rather lounge around in Dora the Explorer panties munching goldfish. If she were a balding, unshaven, beer-bellied man, you would only need to replace those goldfish with a Pabst Blue Ribbon and you would have yourself a textbook example of trailer trash. I suppose you might need to replace the Dora panties as well…maybe not.
Lately, it’s gotten so bad that if so much as a drop of juice or a smidgen of ketchup hit her clothes, they are off and she is free…I fear that, at the rate we are going, she will have dreadlocks and be living in a tent in the back yard by the end of summer. Her name will change from Merrit to Moonbeam and she will craft the finest hemp products that she will trade for organic food and non-animal tested-products. I can still be a proud daddy…
So, I ask you fellow parents, Is this a phase, or is this just the inner hippie in my daughter coming out? Is this something that all toddlers go through? Embarrassed parents just toss this tidbit into the pile of bones in the closet to save face during those “look-what-my-toddler-can-do” conversations they have with other parents. You know those conversations with those annoying parents? Mine would go something like this: “Little Jimmy can write his own name and he’s only 6 months old”, says one proud (but lying) parent. I rebut, “Well, my little Moonbeam just fashioned this blanket from the grass clippings in our yard.”
I suppose in either case, it’s not the worst thing a little girl could do…thank GOD she finally got through her cocaine phase…