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It’s Holiday Season Again…Where’s My Shotgun? (Prologue)


     Ah yes, it’s that time of year yet again.  The leaves are turning, football is in full swing, and all of our coats have been unpacked and dewinterized.  For many folks, fall symbolizes the start to the best part of their year.  They look forward to turkey, taking time away from the stresses of work and exchanging in pleasant fellowship with loved ones. 

 I can just see them wrapping up in that new “Snugg Life” Snuggie that they got for Christmas with a nice hot mug of cocoa as they settle in to watch Miracle on 34th Street for the 97th time.  Doesn’t that sound lovely?  It’s like a Lifetime original movie and you are the star.  Too bad this pumpkin spice-scented dream simply does not exist in my world.   In my world that same scene would be more like me drunkenly stumbling my way through a maze of toddler toys as I half fall-half sit into a 1/2″ layer of kid snack crumbs on the sofa in an attempt to rub one out to Sue Heck’s Hello Kitty-concealed jugs before I pass out. (I know Sue is under age, but I love me some Hello Kitty!).  While that scene may not be entirely realistic, (you all know I am too cheap to buy my kids toys…or snacks) it sets the tone for the holiday season in my family.

As I sit in jail for domestic abuse, I have some time to reflect on what it is about the holiday season that sends me down the path to suicide each year.  It’s the three-pronged attack of holidays that starts, and keeps the beating ball rolling.  Think of it in military terms.  The first wave of attack is Halloween.  If you survive the attack, you find yourself staring Thanksgiving right in the face.  Many do not make it through this second wave, but those that are unlucky enough to survive are rewarded with the shock and awe of Christmas.  Just the string of those three words has me ordering up my autoerotic asphyxiation kit…hold the lemon.

This year, in an attempt to keep my sanity, I have decided to chronicle the holiday season with my family.  I  will provide a detailed account of each holiday wave of attack.  Hopefully, I keep the shotgun out of my mouth long enough to finish this endeavor.  Wish me luck and stay tuned…

Spew Me A River and Long Dong Chimp…Unrelated…Somewhat


 

I would love some input from you other parents on this one…Our kids seem to have developed some genetic mutation that has given them the super power of projectile vomiting at will.  Of all the genes from the multitudes of generations gone by that are carried in my wife’s and my blood, our kids both get hair-trigger gag reflexes. 

For instance, B has thrown up on a restaurant table all of the 3 times that we have taken him to a restaurant.  You may be thinking, “Wow, they don’t get out much!”  You would be correct.  We clean enough toddler spew up at our own house.  We don’t need the added cleanup duty coupled with the embarrassment that comes from seeing fellow patrons bury their faces in disgust or gasp out in astonishment as they watch our entire meal get glazed with a thin layer of milk spray.  You can understand why I no longer eat donuts. 

B's Future Career

Don’t think that I am leaving M out of this.  The poor kid can get a little tickle in her throat, or have a little cough and que the chunk-works.  On top of each of them having these separate issues, they both hose down a room with any period of prolonged crying.  I recently purchased a John boat and fashioned strap-on buckets for both kids just to get around our own house.  Our friggin’ carpet looks like a cheetah with all of the spots.  We have been putting off getting wood floors for fear that they will warp under the constant layer of regurgitated food.  I even went so far as to trace back our lineage on Ancestry.com to see if some distant relative mated with a fly…or an Irishman. I found a lot of the latter.  Coincidence?

On a somewhat lighter note, we decide to take the kids to the Fort Worth Zoo last weekend.  The weather is great, the crowds are low, and the kids seem to be holding down their food, so off we go in search of flamingos and elephants.   (Don’t think for a second that I didn’t thow the puke buckets in the car) Nevertheless, things are going wonderfully when we happen upon the chimpanzee exhibit. 

Like most kids, our kids like the chimps, and any monkeys for that matter.  

Use Your Imagination

So we linger at this exhibit just enjoying watching the chimps chase each other around their habitat.  It is about this time that I notice a small group of chimps that is up on a high rock above the rest of the group.  There are about four or five of them hanging out up there.  As my gaze begins to shift from them to the chimps down below something stops my eyes dead in their tracks.  I quickly snap my head back up to the rocky outcrop. OMG!  Is that what I think it is?  Holy S@%*!  There is a male chimp just kinda lying back against the rock similar to how a I might sit on the couch and watch a Rangers game. 

The reason that I know it is a male is that this guy has the hugest erection that I have seen on an animal outside of a horse (different story…there was beer involved…a lot of beer).  As I stand there in amazement of this chimp’s endowment, a female sitting next to him hops up and straddles “Mr. 3-legs”.  Am I dreaming?  Have I fallen asleep watching internet porn again?  This female hops on, grabs the 2-footer that “Long Dong Chimp” is packing and sveltely guides it..well you know what happens next. 

It is at this time that I practically blind M with a ninja-like hand to the eyes/headlock spin maneuver to set us down the path away from the chimps.  I am almost wishing I had my own puke bucket…As we walk away I can help thinking about the schlong on that chimp.  I guess if we consider that Man won the war of evolution with his opposable thumbs, I have to say that chimps won at least one battle…