So, we have recently decided to grow our first garden.  We are doing this for several reasons ranging from something to keep the kids occupied over summer to us trying to become a little more self-sufficient.  This being said, we load up the family truckster and roll on over to Gebo’s.  Let me just tell you that this store is exactly the same as I remember it from my childhood.  This particular store is even more impressive in that it originally must have been out in the country a bit, but now has an entire shopping center built around it.  All of this, and yet, when you walk through those doors you are instantly transported to Small-town, TX.  The same line of John Deere toys, the same standard feed store fare, the same live chickens for sale for $2.  Watching the kids with the baby chicks was worth the trip alone.  Alas, we are here for one thing, and one thing only.  We are starting a garden!

Rather than tear the hell out of our yard because, let’s face it, we are amateurs and this garden may not last the summer, we opt for a less permanent option for our garden.  We peruse the outdoor section of the Gebo’s until we find exactly what we are looking for in a livestock water tank.  But hey, if this keeps me from digging up my yard, I am willing to take on the added cost of $12o “que cash register noise”

Next stop, Calloway’s!

Calloway’s is a less-than-affordable gardening mecca to which the local affluent flock.  Unfortunately, we were unable to find veggies for sale this early at our local generic hardware super center, so we are forced to shell out a little extra…again.  4 tomato plants, 2 cucumber plants, 2 water melon plants, 1 jalapeno plant, 2 cilantro, 1 basil, 1 mint and various bags of vermiculite, soil, peat moss, and human feces (at least it smelled that way!) leave us with a full truck bed, less $150 “again with the noise”

But hey, were are moving toward self sustenance here, so what’s a little (or lot) of cash up front, right?  “Onward and upward “, like some overly peppy scout leader once said.  So, we make the actual garden assembly a family event as to involve the kids from the beginning.

HAY! Don’t laugh at my kids!

Surprisingly, this goes well and without incident.  However, when it comes time to water everything in, we end up with two soaked kids. Somebody please tell me why the hell a kid is incapable of working a garden hose without ending up on the wrong end of it and completely drenched??

Needless to say, our first garden is planted!  We are stoked and ready to get those thumbs turning from brown to some form of green.  Yes, this is the part where you, the reader, starts to wonder about this story being too good to be true.  You must be thinking,  “How could those idiot bastards pull off a successful garden on their first try?”.  Well, fear not because your instincts have not failed you.

On a whim, we decide to check the forecast.  Whoa Nelly!  Are you kidding me?  We are at the end of March and the forecast calls for a hard freeze…and not just one night!  No, it’s going to freeze for the next 3 nights!  Being the prepared boy scout that I am, I spring to

action and find some cloth tarps to cover the garden with.  I can do nothing more this night other than funnel wine down my craw and feel superior to those poor bastards on Shameless.

Wouldn’t you know it…all of the effing plants are effing dead…eff my green thumb!  Eff this oversized tin of dirt in my yard! and eff gardening!  I am already in the hole a three hunny and now I have to re-buy most of the plants again!  Maybe those hippies at the commune aren’t all that “far out” after all…Oh well, it’s off to Calloway’s for round two.  I guess this thumb ain’t gonna turn green on its own.  Now, if I can only find one of the kids’ green markers…

Best i could do