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It’s Holiday Season Again: Thanksgiving



so I promised to complete the holiday series and by GOD I am going to do it!  For those of you that have long since put the torturous memory of Thanksgiving out of its misery, I am happy to reopen that wound for you as I am doing so to myself by authoring this very entry.

As is often the case, we opt to travel for Thanksgiving this year.  Only this time we are not on a 3-hour tour, we jump in head first and sign up for the 6-hour variety of road trip.  Granted, if I roofie the wife and NyQuil the rug rats , I can make that trip in 5 hours flat.  This being said, I am fresh out of roofies and at last check we have two wide-awake ankle-biters in the back seat. Begrudgingly, we head off to the windy, treeless prairies of the Texas panhandle.

Based on previous road trips (see you all know my children do not do well in the car over long periods of time.  Now, in the past we would typically drive thru a fast food joint and scarf down a high calorie, deep-fried mystery meal while I would attempt to distractedly eat and drive.  This is coupled with the wife riding reverse cowboy (on her knees in the front seat facing the back seat trying to force the kids to eat food that they don’t want in the first place)…maybe “Reverse Cowboy” is not the term…In fact, I know it’s not…I have Cinemax ya know. Needless to say, this is not the safest way to transport our precious cargo, so in recent trips we have been stopping at an actual restaurant with actual waiters.  This, at the very least, allows the wife and I to enjoy decent food while our kids run around howling like banshees in whatever Small Town, TX eatery we bless with our noisy presence.

The meal goes without incident.  I tip the poor 78 year-old woman who had to endure the ear-piercing shrieks of  my kids and we are back on the road just as an icy rain starts to fall.  Because the kids are somewhat behaving and because they actually ate some lunch we are inclined to let them have some candy while they watch their annoying movies (thank GOD for headphones!).  I don’t know if is something that he ate at lunch, car sickness, or something else entirely, but Lil B lets out a painful sounding belch that would put Booger Presley to shame.  That air bubble must have been serving as some makeshift cork because as soon as the cork blew, so did Lil B.  The kids had each just plowed through a tasty sack of M&Ms, so naturally, what was currently being projectile-vomited all over the back of my seat had the look of a lovely chocolate fountain one might see at a decent reception.  The comparison to the reception stops there because this is about the time that the smell hits the front seat.  Of course, we are in the middle of nowhere by this time and it’s pouring rain.  Luckily we see a roadside stop that we can at least have some cover to get Lil B. out of his Baby Gap Chocolate Fondue gear.  Clean as I might, I am not able to rid the vehicle of the scent of chocolate mixed with stomach bile, but some creative directing of the air vents at least keeps the smell in back with the livestock…err kids.

By comparison, the rest of our journey goes swimmingly and we soon find ourselves in the dusty plains of the panhandle on the outskirts of Amarillo.  There is not much to do in Amarillo other than binge drink and get pregnant.  Since we are already saddled with two fun babies, we opt for binge drinking.  We relax and visit with family in the days leading up to the turkey day feast(s).

Our first feast requires a short jaunt to the metropolis of Dumas, a small agribusiness-centered community in which the wife’s family resides.  Dumas is filled with good people and…hispanics, but mostly good people and I do not mind our brief visits.  It is actually a nice departure from the busyness of Dallas.  Things are quiet and simple and there is not much to do and I kind of like it…if only I could get 4G to connect so that I could Facebook and watch internet porn…maybe I don’t like being out in the boonies after all…at least there’s binge drinking…

After a delicious Thanksgiving meal with the wife’s family we are forced to exit rather quickly as we are already running late for our 2nd feast at my folk’s house back in Amarillo.  We arrive at my parent’s place just as my family is sitting down to eat.  So as not to disappoint, I heap the fixin’s onto my plate as though I had not seen food in days.  You can’t show up to mom’s and not eat after she has spent an entire day preparing a meal…So, the wife and I take one for the team and eat our second complete Thanksgiving meal within a two-hour span.  I am a fat ass and this is not much of a feat for me to accomplish, but I give the wife credit as she made a great showing at both feasts.  I am not positive, but I could swear I hear the sounds of a desperate woman purging her system later that day…it reminds me of high school and for a short time I bask in the nostalgia of my hometown.

The voyage home is uneventful.  There is no projectile vomiting, no crying, and no rain.  As we listen to an audiobook my mind drifts in and out of the story.  My liver and colon wreaking havoc on me for a week’s worth of overeating…and drinking, I am left with a warm sensation knowing that we are blessed with such a great family…nope, that’s not it…I think I just sharted…where the hell is that roadside stop!

It Is…Alive!

Dear Father, it has been weeks since my last post.  Don’t even bother with the penance, I know what to do…

Dear Reader(s),

I am sorry that I have left you hanging for so long.  I got a little snowed under at work and have not made time to get my blog on.  Even as I type these words I feel like an addict that has been off the junk for a while, but has now fallen off the wagon and is on a long overdue heroin bender.  In fact, I feel the heroin-esque sensation coursing through my fingers as I diligently peck away at my keyboard rig.  I had better get to a point quickly before I slip away into a comatose state within my own head movies.  Should I loosen this tournequet…

With the passing of that surge of adrenaline that comes from me falling off of the blogging wagon, or bl0gon, I am now ready to tell you all what has been going on these past few weeks.

I should start with my new conquest.  I read the article on about the kid that started out trading a cell phone one Craig’sl List and ended up with a Porsche two years later and I was inspired.  I have embarked on a similar journey over the past couple of weeks.  I will frequently update you with my CL adventures as I quest to trade for something bigger and better.

So far I started by selling my lawn mower.  I don’t use my mower because I support illegal immigrants by paying them to cut my grass.  It’s my way of giving back to the latino community that has done so much for me.  By this I mean that they brought  Mexican food and Dos Equis to this country.  I will never repay my debt to Juan…or is it Paco?  They all look the same once you strap a leaf blower to them…I kid of course.

My next CL transaction was to sell some hand carved wood columns that I salvaged from a hotel that was being renovated.  I thought that I was going to create something cool and original with those columns, but all that I could muster was a pile of wood columns for M to climb on.  I traded said columns for an antique vanity that has very unique etchings and is in pretty good shape.  I am cleaning it up to repost it hopefully this weekend.  I also traded my old original Xbox for an unopened set of P90X.  I have not yet decided to try the P90X and get into shape, or to try to parlay it into something else on CL, which is my main objective here…but then again I am kinda fat…stay tuned for a decision on that while I tear into this package of Ho-Ho’s.

Items currently up for sale or trade:

My Laseraim .45 ACP with laser site.  I can’t actually post this one on CL, but I need to somehow work it into a trade if I am going to stay true to my mission.  We are also starting to shed baby gear like a teenage girl who got lucky and miscarried.  I am talking strollers, swings, you name it, we got it…and it all has to go because the baby farm is closed for business.

I will post another entry soon to update you all on the adventures of M & lil B.  Some fun tales to be shared!