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Spew Me A River and Long Dong Chimp…Unrelated…Somewhat


I would love some input from you other parents on this one…Our kids seem to have developed some genetic mutation that has given them the super power of projectile vomiting at will.  Of all the genes from the multitudes of generations gone by that are carried in my wife’s and my blood, our kids both get hair-trigger gag reflexes. 

For instance, B has thrown up on a restaurant table all of the 3 times that we have taken him to a restaurant.  You may be thinking, “Wow, they don’t get out much!”  You would be correct.  We clean enough toddler spew up at our own house.  We don’t need the added cleanup duty coupled with the embarrassment that comes from seeing fellow patrons bury their faces in disgust or gasp out in astonishment as they watch our entire meal get glazed with a thin layer of milk spray.  You can understand why I no longer eat donuts. 

B's Future Career

Don’t think that I am leaving M out of this.  The poor kid can get a little tickle in her throat, or have a little cough and que the chunk-works.  On top of each of them having these separate issues, they both hose down a room with any period of prolonged crying.  I recently purchased a John boat and fashioned strap-on buckets for both kids just to get around our own house.  Our friggin’ carpet looks like a cheetah with all of the spots.  We have been putting off getting wood floors for fear that they will warp under the constant layer of regurgitated food.  I even went so far as to trace back our lineage on to see if some distant relative mated with a fly…or an Irishman. I found a lot of the latter.  Coincidence?

On a somewhat lighter note, we decide to take the kids to the Fort Worth Zoo last weekend.  The weather is great, the crowds are low, and the kids seem to be holding down their food, so off we go in search of flamingos and elephants.   (Don’t think for a second that I didn’t thow the puke buckets in the car) Nevertheless, things are going wonderfully when we happen upon the chimpanzee exhibit. 

Like most kids, our kids like the chimps, and any monkeys for that matter.  

Use Your Imagination

So we linger at this exhibit just enjoying watching the chimps chase each other around their habitat.  It is about this time that I notice a small group of chimps that is up on a high rock above the rest of the group.  There are about four or five of them hanging out up there.  As my gaze begins to shift from them to the chimps down below something stops my eyes dead in their tracks.  I quickly snap my head back up to the rocky outcrop. OMG!  Is that what I think it is?  Holy S@%*!  There is a male chimp just kinda lying back against the rock similar to how a I might sit on the couch and watch a Rangers game. 

The reason that I know it is a male is that this guy has the hugest erection that I have seen on an animal outside of a horse (different story…there was beer involved…a lot of beer).  As I stand there in amazement of this chimp’s endowment, a female sitting next to him hops up and straddles “Mr. 3-legs”.  Am I dreaming?  Have I fallen asleep watching internet porn again?  This female hops on, grabs the 2-footer that “Long Dong Chimp” is packing and sveltely guides it..well you know what happens next. 

It is at this time that I practically blind M with a ninja-like hand to the eyes/headlock spin maneuver to set us down the path away from the chimps.  I am almost wishing I had my own puke bucket…As we walk away I can help thinking about the schlong on that chimp.  I guess if we consider that Man won the war of evolution with his opposable thumbs, I have to say that chimps won at least one battle…

5 Reasons Why the Rangers Will Beat the Yankees.

Swing on over to to read my latest article!

Weekend at Jerry’s Place

This past weekend was a monumental sports weekend for DFW.  On Saturday alone the metroplex hosted 5 NCAA football games as well as the Texas Rangers first home game of the 2010 ALDS playoffs.  Sunday was equally busy with game 4 of the Rangers-Rays series as well as the Cowboys playing host to the Tennessee Titans.  Needless to say, the sports-packed weekend was busy.

I was fortunate enough to attend two of these events and I fear the recovery process will be long and arduous.  We had a couple of buddies fly in from Denver, so we got Cowboys tickets for Sunday and the Denver Boys grabbed Rangers playoff tickets for Saturday.  The weekend was setting up nicely to be a festivus of tailgating, professional sports, stadium munchies, and $9 beers.

Saturday afternoon we grabbed the Denver Boys and were off to The Ballpark in Arlington for Game 3 of the Rangers-Rays ALDS playoff series.  The Rangers had taken a 2-0 lead in the series and were poised to clinch a spot in the ALCS.  This was going to be a huge scene if the Rangers could pull off a win.  The sun is beating down, we are cooking in the heat, but the beer man cometh, and he cometh often.  Unfortunately, not even the timeliness of the beer man could help the Rangers produce a victory.  So, with hopes held high that the Rangers would take the series on Sunday, we all left the stadium in fairly good spirits (thank you beer man!). 

Rather than go home, we decided to hit a sports bar near the house to catch the end of the evening college games.  Once again, multiple beers were imbibed and some bar fare consumed.  It is at this point of the evening that I should have gone home and gone to bed.  Instead, we head to a buddy’s place to keep pounding beers and end up breaking out the washer boards to teach the Denver Boys a thing or two about Texas.  After only a couple of warm-up rounds, these boys think that they can actually beat us and they want to play for money.  Silly Denver Boys…thanks for funding my day of drinking!

I roll into my house at roughly 3:00 AM knowing that I have to get up and do this all again on Sunday for the Cowboys game.  Must sleep…but what do I find in my bed?  You guessed it, M. is hogging my entire side…(  I was too tired, too beer-logged, and too lazy to move her, so I crashed in her bed, which was quite comfortable actually.

Sunday morning comes quickly and harshly.  I am greeted by an angry wife and two rambunctious toddlers.  I am handed a grocery list and with M clinging to my leg, I am shuttled out the door half hungover and starving…okay, I was fully hungover…

After making it through the grocery store in record time (It’s because M drove the racecar cart), I make it back home just in time to don my Cowboys gear, slam another bottle of water and a handful of aspirin when I hear my ride honking.  Here we go again (I hurled a little in my mouth at just the thought of more tailgating).  But I am a man, and I do what any many would do…I sleep in the car all the way to the stadium…


Cowboys Stadium, Jerry World, The Death Star…we have arrived!  We decide that, in order to get our heads right with tailgating, we need to slam a quick beer at the truck before meeting up with our fellow tailgaters.  This process takes about 20 minutes longer than it should have …needless to say, we are all hurting this morning.  Finally, with 3 bottles of water, 4 aspirin, and one beer in my system I am ready to meet the day face to face. 

We all take it pretty easy during the tailgate because we are all still so messed up from the previous night’s misadventures.  However, by game time (roughly 3 hours after we arrive at the stadium) we are all in high spirits and ready for the game.  The game is pathetic.  The Cowboys are embarrassing and we quickly decide that the only way to salvage the poor playing is to drink more beer…and eat bbq nachos…and drink more beer.

I do not recall much of the ride home from the stadium as I was, again, fast asleep.  Before I know it we are in front of my house and I am saying farewell to the Denver Boys as I stumble out the truck still half asleep.  I wearily make it up the walk and into my house.  I sit with the wife for what seems like an eternity, but was really about a half hour before I throw in the towel.  I finally face the facts that I put up a good fight, but the weekend has conquered me.  My sweet pillow never felt so good.

I learned a couple of things about myself this weekend that I would like to share with you all:

1) I have the best wife in the world!  Thank you for letting me have my sports pouty weekend.  I love you!

2) I have lost my ability to binge drink, at least for multiple days in a row…

3) I am a badass washer player~ no matter how much alcohol I have consumed.

4) The Cowboys suck.