I don’t know about all you other football fans out there but, at my house, Daddy doesn’t miss his games. Of course, for day games this is fairly easy to manage because the kids can be sent out to detail Daddy’s truck, or simply locked in a closet while Daddy straps on his football rig and lets the sporty nectar send him into a pigskin-induced coma. However, evening games have proven more difficult for Daddy to get some “Me time” (not the me time you fellow porn addicts are thinking, but I like where your heads are)
Needless to say, after seasons of experimenting I have come up with something that gets those frisky kids to bed by kickoff so that Daddy can get his fix. I call it Emergency Football Drill. The EFD is a complex combination of skilled parenting moves that has taken a couple of years to perfect. In a show of good will towards my fellow football folks out there, I am going to share with you my secret formula.
The Emergency Football Drill
Step 1) FEED THE LIVESTOCK: Getting the kids fed, and fed quickly is essential and this single event can make or break whether you are seeing kickoff or reading Goodnight Moon . The recommended dinner for the kids on game night is fast food (easy to grab on your way in from work and no prep required) Of course, this is not the most healthy option for your livestock, so any foods that can be prepared quickly will also work (grilled cheese, mac-n-cheese,etc). The point is to get them fed quickly. This is also where you start to set the tone for the next step.
Step 2) LIE TO THEM: Let’s face it, small children literally have no sense of time. It is easy to hurry them along by telling them that it is late and that they need to get a move on. This starts with Step 1 and continues through Step 5. Always keep them rushing. If you let them get sidetracked with cartoons or toys for even a few minutes, then you are putting yourself at risk of missing that first snap!
Step 3) CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO…: Bath time with toddlers can be the ultimate time waste if you are not diligent. When possible, put them in the shower. We have trained our toddlers to shower (with our aid) and this saves many precious game night minutes. Showers are genius in that they do not offer the opportunity for kids to play. There are no bubbles and no toys…and no time is wasted…efficiency by definition…If you are really pressed for time, take a hose to them out in the yard…you can almost hear that national anthem now, my friend.
Step 4) STORY TIME: Ahh story time…yet another sand trap that is easily played into by unsuspecting parents. Do not let the squid pick the bedtime story(s). You know the short ones, don’t act like you don’t…this is the time to use those short books to your advantage. Close all curtains so that the kids time awareness remains “in the dark”. This step should not be completely rushed through as this is some good quality time with your little ones. Read the short stories, snuggle and tickle…but be mindful of the time…can you feel it? You are sniffing the goal line of kid-free game watching buddy…soak it in…
Step 5) DISCIPLINE: Game time is minutes away and your kids are calling your bluff. They are in and out of bed, crying for water, wanting extra hugs…you name it, they are gonna throw it at you. You have to maintain discipline. Be stern, be strict…hell, if it’s your favorite team, be mean, but you must get them in to stay in those beds…It’s okay to mildly beat them in this circumstance…
Good work! In addition to your Father Of The Year nomination, you have just secured yourself an evening of uninterrupted football watching. Give yourself a pat on the back, open that tall boy and kick those feet up on the coffee table. You have earned it my friend…What? What’s that? Fold laundry? Go to the grocery store? OMG…we forgot to check the wife…This is where a step 6 would come in handy…I’ll be hiding in the garage…good luck boys!
First, let me apologize for my long absence. There is no excuse other than the fact that I am lazy, which most of you already know anyway. I am trying to get back on the blog horse and I would like to announce my return with this small tidbit on today’s programming for children.
As you know, I have a 3 year-old at home who is allowed to watch some children’s programming channels each afternoon. The main channel that M watches is Nick Jr. (formerly Noggin). On the whole this is a great little network for kids and parents alike. Programs like Dora the Explorer, Blues Clues, Yo Gabba Gabba,etc. do actually provide somewhat educational information for the kiddies. For us adults they provide an endless supply of gay songs that stick in your head to help you through your otherwise dull work day.
One of these normally educational programs that my daughter likes to watch is called Ni Hao Kai-Lan. This is a show about a little girl from China and her little random animal-like friends. The show teaches common words and phrases in Mandarin Chinese as well as Chinese culture and values. Typically the show will select one word or phrase to focus on and that word or phrase will be repeated many times throughout the show. If you have toddlers I am sure you have seen this program. Well check this out…
I am home with M yesterday because she has Scarlet Fever…that’s right, I said Scarlet Fever. You would think that I had just taken M for a ride in my hot tub time machine back in time to europe or the old west, but this disease bacteria still flourishes today if you can believe that. More on Scarlet Fever in a future blog. Back to my story…SO, M and I are home and I am letting her watch all of the television that she can handle because she doesn’t feel good, and I am trying to do a little work from home. I hear the familiar opening theme song to Ni Hao Kai-Lan come on and I do a little asian-themed dance in my head. I am sitting on the sofa about 1/2 listening to the television when I hear something that immediately grabs my attention. It’s the word of the day, SNOW, or in Mandarin Chinese, xue.
What grabbed my attention was not that I was excited to learn a new word in Mandarin, but that this word when spoken in the language, sounds a lot like the word, “SHIT” in English. So I am working away when I hear Ni Hao say, “blah, blah, blah, SHIT, blah, blah”. Naturally, my head whips up and my eyes narrow in on the television. It’s the same double take we do when we hear what sounds like sex noises on television, or actually see nudity. Whatever you are doing you stop in your tracks and watch…don’t say you don’t, because I know I am not the only pervert here (at least I tell myself that)…ANYWAY, Ni Hao now has my full attention. As I watch the show they continue to say “SNOW”, but in Mandarin. This word sounds so much like “SHIT” that I start laughing uncontrollably at the television because of the context in which they are using the word. “Lulu has a basket full of “SHIT” and so on…I may have peed my pants a little…
And now…for your viewing pleasure…I proudly present, Ni Hao Kai-Lan and “SNOW”. Your mission, should you choose to accept it: Is this Disturbing or hilarious?